There's Always Time For Lubricant
by Underclass
Summary: Harry, Ron, Neville, Seamus, Dean and Colin are sent on the adventure of their lives by a relic left by Fred and George. Contains so much swearing it's shameful. And explicit content too!


There's Always Time for Lubricant  
  
By Underclass  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned any of the characters or places in this piece I would be as rich as JK Rowling, and she as poor as me. Ah well, the books have made me rich in spirit, I guess.  
  
It was the first Saturday evening of the new school year in the Gryffindor Common room, and things were quite dull. The girls had spent the entire night before staying up chatting in their dorm, and, resultedly, had been exhausted all day. Now they had retreated for an early evening. Hermione was furious with herself, having spent four hours asleep in the library while she was trying to study. The boys hadn't meant to go to sleep so early the night before, but had all skived off to their dorm right after dinner to recount and listen to their collective boasts of the sexual conquests that had taken place over the summer that had just come to an end. Harry was pissed off by this. Even Neville had scored. They were bolstered by the massive amounts of alcohol they had amalgamated during the week. Soon they were going into details that they never would have had they been sober, or in the company of the girls. Gradually they became sleepy and passed out sometime before midnight. Amazingly, as Harry was pointing out, none of them were hungover the next day.  
"That's cos we were mixin'" Seamus Finnigan informed him, as he stretched on the couch that he had entirely to himself.  
"But that normally gives you the mother of all fucking hangovers," Dean protested.  
"Normally, Dean, normally," the buoyant Irishman continued, "however, on rare occasions when you get really pissed on a pure random mixture of drinks you have no hangover the next day whatso-fuckin'-ever. However, should you try to repeat the combination you pay dearly."  
"That happened to me at Charlie's birthday this year," Ron added, "I started with a few pints of lager, then had some tequila to chase it. Then Ginny made me drink some bitch cocktail that tasted like shit. Charlie made all the lads down whiskey, Dad concocted some foul fucking drink he calls Weasley's Wonder. Christ, it was drastic. Then I stole some cider. Don't remember much after that. Anyhow, I woke up under the kitchen table and lay there waiting for a fuck-off hangover to run me over. But it never came."  
"Exactly," said Seamus, "it's a rare miracle, but one I'm extremely fuckin' thankful for.  
And they stopped talking. And stayed quiet for quite some time, staring into the fire.  
"It's awful dull," said Neville.  
"Yeah, if it gets any livelier a funeral's gonna break out," said Dean.  
"This is supposed to be the fuckin' party house, what the fuck's goin' on. Did we all become complete pussies over the summer, or what like?" asked Seamus. A bell over the mantle piece rang, informing all and sunder that Seamus had just become the first Gryffindor to swear 1,000 times in the common room that year.  
"Fuckin' nice one, champion again," Seamus raised his arms in triumph, "the Hufflepuffs thought they'd fuckin' beat me this year! Well, I guess they can all suck my cock. Especially Hannah Abbott."  
"Not your record though," observed Harry.  
"Nah, that was third year, 1,000 swear words by Wednesday. But that was because I dropped a tin of paint on my fuckin' foot. Which was this bastard's fault," he pointed to Dean, and tried to imitate his voice, "'ere, Seamus, gizz a hand carrying in my painting stuff. I have no fucking life."  
"Scratch mine." Dean responded.  
It all went quiet again.  
"You know what it is?" asked Harry, "It's Fred and George. It's so quiet without them, and Lee."  
"I think you're right, Harry," said Ron, "Fuck, that reminds me, come on."  
Ron jumped off his chair as though a gnome had tried to rams its head up his arse and headed for the Common Room.  
"Fuck off, I'm goin' nowhere," said Seamus, clearly unwilling to give up the couch he had all to himself.  
"Fine, stay there you fucking Irish cunt," said Ron indifferently.  
Seamus tutted and followed the others, mumbling about Ron kissing his arse.  
  
* * *  
  
Ron was hunkered over his chest, Harry and Neville sat on the end of Ron's bed and Dean and Seamus sat on the nearest chairs. Dean farted loudly.  
"Fred and George gave me this a few weeks ago, I plain forgot about it."  
"What is it?" asked Harry.  
"Dunno, but they told me not to tell Ginny, so it must be something good. They said to follow the directions carefully and we'd be glad we did."  
"If Fred and George stand by it, so do I," said Dean.  
Ron read the parchment, "If you are reading this, you are in one of the boy's dormitories. It cannot be read elsewhere. Make sure no one sees you carrying out any of the steps. Each step will appear only when you complete the one before it. Step 1, go to the third floor of the East Tower, and make sure nobody sees you."  
"Well, has anybody got anything better to do?" asked Neville.  
"Study," said Harry.  
"I was really looking forward to arsing around all day scratching my bollocks," said Seamus, "but I can do that tomorrow."  
"Then lets go," said Ron.  
When they entered the Common Room the writing on the parchment vanished, Ron put it into his robes. The five trooped out through the common room portrait. As they did so Colin Creevey appeared and shoved his annoying little head into their faces.  
"Where are you guys going?"  
"We have absolutely no idea, Colin," Dean told him truthfully.  
"Really? Can I come?"  
"We don't know, can you come, Colin, can you?"  
"I came all over your mother last night, you Irish bastard," it was no secret that Colin hated Seamus deeply, although Seamus had no particular grudge against Colin, Colin just happened to be the first person to walk into the Common Room after Seamus set up his bind-gag-strip-naked-and pelt- with-dungbombs trap in fifth year. Seamus tried to time it so it would Harry who came off the worst, because Harry had insulted his Ma the night before. But Harry was actually in the dorms at the time, which Seamus acknowledged he should have checked for first.  
"Don't you have your OWLs to worry about?" asked Harry.  
"Worry, it's only the first weekend!"  
"Come if you want, Colin, but keep very fucking quiet, we don't want to be seen," Ron told him.  
"Cool, where are we going?"  
"I told you, we don't know," said Dean, "but step one is the East tower."  
"Cool, that's my second favourite tower."  
"Shut the fuck up, you annoying little prick," said Seamus, who made the most of Colin's animosity towards him by insulting him as often as possible.  
"Suck my cock, Finnigan!"  
"Suck it yourself, Shitfuck."  
"Ladies, we're trying not to be seen," interjected Dean.  
Seamus made an insulting gesture towards Colin, smiling broadly.  
  
* * *  
  
By the time they reached the third floor of the East Tower Colin had been informed by Harry and Ron that they were following secret directions left behind by Fred and George. He had also been informed by Seamus that he was a shit-kicking, cock-knocking, pussy-faced little arsehole.  
Neville suddenly compensated for his lack of talking since they left the dorm.  
"Guys, don't any of you think that, well maybe this is a trap?"  
"What?" asked Dean.  
"Well, wouldn't the twins think it was hilarious if they played some massive prank on people even after they'd left the school?"  
"Why do you think they put a cross-dressing curse on Snape's robes?" said Ron.  
"They did?"  
"Let's just say there's a reason I actually took Potions this year. And you'll find out soon enough."  
"Fucking legends!" enthralled Seamus, "I am forever indebted to them and their deepest sexual urges!"  
"Uh, Ron, what do we do next?" asked Dean.  
"Oh, yeah!" He took the parchment from his robes and read it aloud, now that new writing had appeared on it. "'Well done, gentlemen. Step Two is to move aside the painting of the ship on the wall. Performing the conjunctivitis curse will reveal a secret door. In you go."  
"Conjunctivitis curse! How the fuck does that produce a secret door, it's for fuckin' blindin' dragons!" hollered Seamus.  
"Who gives a fuck?" said Dean as he and Harry moved the painting aside, "does anyone know it?"  
"I do," said Harry.  
"Shoulda known you would," said Dean. Harry performed the spell and a door appeared. They all walked through it, into a dark room. The door was positioned in such a way that the painting could be hung back up from inside. Once they had replaced the painting and shut the door behind them a flickering light appeared.  
"Lumos" they all muttered. They were in a room that was split into several compartments. There was graffiti on the walls.  
"Harry look at this!" called Ron. They all ran over and read the writing on the wall.  
  
This room was discovered by JP, SB, RL and PP Nov 6.  
  
Snivellus Snape eats dragon shit.  
  
"Fuckin' right he does, the bad-breathed bastard," Seamus noted.  
  
Marauders Forever. Padfoot, Moony, Wormtail and Prongs.  
  
The Weasley Twins Prostrate themselves before the genius of Messrs Padfoot, Moony, Wormtail and Prongs.  
  
"This explains a lot," said Harry.  
"Yo, Ron, check this out!" called Dean from an off-room to the right. They all came in and read what was written on the wall:  
  
"Angelina J. fucked the brains out of Fred Weasley here, March 3rd."  
  
"Only cos GW was in Filch's office with Katie Bell and Padma Patil. Fred 1, George 2 Ha ha ha!"  
  
"Filch's office!" howled Colin, clearly stating the obvious fact that this was the least romantic part of the whole school.  
"Trust me, it's the safest place. They always knew where Filch would be before he did," said Ron, "Oh, and lucky bastards."  
"You, know," said Dean, "This might explain why Lee fucked off to Havana."  
"He did?" asked Neville.  
"Yeah, said he needed to get away for a while. He was fucking crazy about Angelina, and one of his best friends bones her without even trying," Dean continued.  
"What a pisser!" wowed Harry as he walked into another compartment. But the graffiti he saw in there he kept to himself. It concerned his parents.  
They went all over the room. Harry noticed that even Wormtail had gotten lucky in this room, as had Lee, but not with Angelina. "LJ + CC" was emblazoned on the ceiling of one of the smaller rooms.  
"He gave it to Cho?" mused Harry aloud, as the others looked suspiciously at Colin.  
"Tough break, man," Neville consoled.  
"Don't really care anymore, to be honest. What do we do now, Ron?" Ron looked at the parchment.  
"You are now in the shipping room. Look up."  
They all looked up, but saw very little, as the ceiling was quite high. "Maybe if someone lifts someone else up," suggested Lee.  
"Ron's the tallest, and shitfuck is the lightest."  
"Fuck off, Seamus!"  
"No need, pipsqueak, I think I see what they mean," Seamus looked at the ceiling, and raised his wand, "Alohamora!" They heard the creaking of a very old lock, and suddenly a trapdoor in the ceiling swung down open.  
"Well spotted, mate," said Dean, "How do we get up there, though?"  
Neville waved his wand and a chair appeared. Following suit, everyone who knew how to make a chair magically appear did so, until they had created a neat stairway of chairs up to the trapdoor. It was rather rickety, but soon, they were through the trapdoor and in a long tunnel. Lighting their wands as Harry shut the trapdoor, they noticed that they were, in fact, in one of four tunnels that converged in a room a few yards away to their left. On their hands and knees, they crawled towards it. It was empty bar an old chest. The ceiling was higher here, but there was still not enough room to stand. They could, however, sit comfortably on their hunkers. There were several locks on the chest.  
"Moody has one of these," said Harry, "Every lock opens a different part of the chest."  
"My Gran has one too," said Neville.  
"Do you still have that knife Sirius gave you?" asked Ron.  
"Yeah," said Harry, opening the first lock with the knife. The chest was empty, apart from the letters 'JP' carved on the lid. "This was my Dad's!"  
"Probably hid the invisibility cloak here for all those years," said Neville.  
The second lock opened Remus' part of the chest. It contained a bottle of potion and a photo of a young boy with his family. The smiling young boy was barely recognisable as Professor Lupin.  
"This must be his werewolf potion," said Colin, looking at the potion.  
"Nah, he didn't have that when he was at school, it's much more recent than that," said Ron.  
"He could have come up here as a teacher," said Harry. There was no reply, "Well, why wouldn't he?"  
They next chest was Sirius's. It was also empty. "He must have emptied it," said Ron, "Sorry, Harry. I wish there was something there. Do we actually want to open the next one?"  
"Why wouldn't we?" asked Colin.  
"Because it's owned by a Death-Eater," said Harry.  
"We can fucking piss in it, so," said Seamus.  
The next chest did, indeed, have the initials PP carved on the inside of the lid. They sorted through some letters, photographs and strange little trinklets. Nothing important seemed to be in there. They stared. And then Harry spat violently into the chest and roared loudly "BASTARD! FUCKING BASTARD!" he started stabbing the chest with his knife. Ron eventually placed his hand lightly on Harry's shoulder. Harry calmed down, but was still obviously livid. He spat in again. Ron sucked the snot from is nose into his mouth and spat in as well. They backed away.  
"Well, I'm doing more than that!" said Seamus, reaching into his robes, "uh, any objections, Harry?"  
"Move up!"  
Soon all six boys were kneeling around the chest with their lads out, slashing gratuitously into the chest, making sure they got all around the rim.  
"Too bad there's no bogroll up here," said Seamus, "or I'd take a dump as well!" They all laughed.  
When they were all done they shut the chest and Harry opened the last lock. It contained dirty magazines and contraceptives.  
"That's a rake of old rubbers!" said Seamus.  
"Not surprising, seeing where we just came from," Ron added.  
They shut it and observed the four tunnels. The letters G, R, S and H, were written on the walls, one at the start of each tunnel, but in wasn't graffiti.  
"Whose names do you think these are?" asked Colin.  
"Clearly they stand for each of the houses, you pubic hair," said Seamus. They had just come from the Ravenclaw tunnel.  
"Well," said, Dean, "We're all Gryffindors. Let's go up the G tunnel."  
They all followed.  
"Does the parchment say to do anything else, Ron?" asked Neville.  
Ron checked, "No, I guess this is where it leads."  
"Or we've gone the wrong way."  
"I suppose it's possible."  
"Hey, there's a light up ahead," said Dean, scurrying ahead. He looked down through a grate in the floor and gasped. "No fucking way are we in the wrong place, boys!" Seamus moved in beside him. Harry who was at the back pushed his way through and looked down. He turned around, grabbed Ron's face and kissed him.  
"Give that to your brothers."  
"Why?" said Neville, who was the last to find a space to look down through, "Oh, thank Merlin! We're above the girls' dorm!"  
And sure enough they were. They looked down on the spectacular scene below. Hermione was clearly just out of the shower, wearing nothing but a towel. Katie Bell and Lavender Brown were still in there, and Parvati was undressing in front of a mirror.  
Seamus grabbed Colin by the shoulders "Tell me you have your camera!"  
"Get out of my light, comestain," said Colin, adding new film to his camera. Seamus kissed him on the cheek.  
"Lavender!" Parvati roared below, Lavender stuck her head out from the shower.  
"Yo!"  
"Mind if I borrow your push-up for tomorrow?"  
"Touch it and I'll kill you, bitch!"  
Parvati reached into a drawer and rooted through it.  
"Get out of there!" roared Lavender.  
"What's this?" asked Parvati, "why it's Lavender's diary."  
"Put that back, you prostitute!" roared Lavender, but everybody in the room, and above it, was now listening intently as Parvati began reading.  
"The Ten Things I would Most like Seamus to do to me." Seamus's mouth dropped, only for his grin to return second later, bigger than ever. "Number One, arrive in my room at night, wet and alive from the pouring rain, come into my open embrace, clasp me in his manly arms and take me all night long!"  
Lavender roared and charged from the showers, barely clutching a towel to herself and attacked Parvati. Soon the towel was lost and the girls were engaged in a pillow fight.  
"Just as well we took a piss, lads," said Seamus, exposing himself for the second time in ten minutes, but in a far different state, "my manly arms have got some work to do!"  
"I hope to God Ginny doesn't come in," said Ron, reaching inside his robes.  
"You might!" said Neville, shifting his weight unto his left elbow.  
"Next night it rains, don't expect to see much of me, lads," said Seamus, Colin took a snap of him. "Don't take a photo of me wanking with that going on below us, you beauty."  
Harry had tried to maintain his dignity, but when Hermione joined in the fight it was all too much for him. Even Colin had started on it by the time Katie and Hermione started kissing. "I am so getting a camcorder for Christmas!" he said, getting as many photos as possible with his free hand.  
"First one to arrive cleans up!" said Dean.  
"Fuck!" said Seamus, slowing down. But it was too late, Hermione was emptying a container of Vaseline all over Parvati. Just then Neville moaned and collapsed. Shortly afterwards the boys were being very careful about where they were lying down. They admired the scene for a while longer. Suddenly Harry noticed that Colin was gone.  
"Hey, where's Colin?" he asked. His question was answered as the diminutive photographer came scurrying back.  
"Guys, get to Ravenclaw fast! Cho's starting a volleyball match in their dorm!" They all rushed off. As they passed the chest Harry stopped to open it.  
"What're you doing?" asked Ron.  
"Seeing if that last compartment has any lubricant."  
"There's no time for lubricant," said Ron.  
"Oh," said Harry, raising an eyebrow, "there's always time for lubricant!" 


End file.
